Myth: Every orgasm will be an amazing earth-moving event. There is something wrong with a woman if she can’t have an orgasm. Fact: Not all women have this powerful experience. It is even possible for a woman to have an orgasm and not to realize it – they do not feel the muscles of their pelvic floor contract. They do, however, reach a peak of arousal and after that they feel the same feelings of relaxation and contentment that other women feel after orgasm. Other women feel nervous and edgy and even discomfort when they have an orgasm.
Myth: A ”normal” women must orgasm from intercourse. Fact: Studies have found that only about a third of women achieve an orgasm regularly during sex from just penetrative sex. A third of women require some extra stimulation and a third can’t orgasm during sex even though they can for oral or manual stimulation. This is all within the normal variations of female sexuality. Sigmund Freud wrote that an emotionally healthy woman had to have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone – this is now considered sexist, old fashioned and just incorrect.
Myth: The inability to have an orgasm, termed anorgasmia, means that the woman is frigid and there are problems with her and her relationship. Fact: This is not necessarily the case. It may be the result of stress, a medical problem or the side effects of medication. It is also possible that the woman has not taken the time to discover exactly what she needs in order to reach orgasm.
Myth: It is the man’s fault – he is not skilled enough to give his partner an orgasm. Fact: This is sometimes a factor but a woman’s orgasm and sexual pleasure is, ultimately, her own responsibility. She must involve her partner and discover with him what she needs to experience the best out of sex.
Myth: In order to enjoy sex the woman must have an orgasm. Fact: This myth is almost universally believed by both women and men. That doesn’t make it true though! Many studies have found that women can enjoy the closeness and intimacy of sex even if they rarely or never have an orgasm.
How can I improve my chances of experiencing orgasm?
Relax – Sometimes it may be that you are trying to hard. Try instead to relax and enjoy the process. Stress is a common factor in anorgasmia so taking the mental and emotional pressure off is very important. A romantic candle lit bath and a glass or two of wine, soft music, maybe a massage! The more relaxed the better.
Communicate – Sex is all about intimacy and intimacy can’t be built without communication. Take a risk and discuss your fears, fantasies and desires with your partner. Not only will it improve the sex but it will also build trust and confidence in the relationship as well.
Encourage – Your man may well be blaming himself for the problem and this is sure to cramp his spontaneity and style. Take the pressure off, let him know what you want and need and encourage him when he starts getting it right.
Enjoy – You need to regain ownership of your own sexuality. Problems with achieving orgasm effects millions of women. There is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps you just need to invest the time and energy in your own enjoyment. It’s very hard to enjoy something that you’ve come to think of as an impossible obligatory task.
Fantasize – Discover what fantasies arouse and excite you. Not necessarily the fantasies that you need to carry out but the ones that just by thinking about turns you on. If you are imagining being ravaged by someone other than you partner be careful not to call out the wrong name in the height of passion. That’s going to be a major buzz kill for your man. Also discuss some fantasies that you can explore together with your man such as role play, costumes or even toys.
Get your man to finish what he started – Often lovemaking ends after the man ejaculates leaving the woman very aroused and frustrated. If this is the case in your relationship ask your man to continue stimulating you orally or manually. It’s not all about him!